Vaan And Penelo's Excellent Adventure
by Vieraheart15
Summary: A Wight Mamba and Vieraheart production! Vaan and Penelo go back in time to the days of the Clan Wars of FFTA and start a Clan. Very humourous. FFTA and FFXII crossover. Rated T for Shara and some other things little kids won't understand.
1. Chapter 1

**Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure**

**Another Wight Mamba/Vieraheart15 collaboration. And an FFTA/FFXII crossover. Vaan, Penelo, and Balthier go back in time and mess things up. Vaan is mistaken for Marche, Penelo forms a clan with a Viera (who happens to be an ancestor of Fran), and Balthier takes over the country. Extremely retarded and hilarious. We will alternate chapters, Wight Mamba up first. We rip on Ashe because we hate her. Seriously. Balfran and Vanelo forever!**

**Disclaimer: FFXII and FFTA are owned by Square Enix, not us!**

In the world of Ivalice…

"Hey Balthier, can I touch the giant blue button with a label on it?" Vaan asked Balthier

"No it's an experimental device that needs to be tested by you and our stunt doubles when Fran and I are not around!" Balthier yelled at Vaan

"Sheesh! What a jerk…Hey why don't I get a stunt double!!!" Shrieked Vaan

"Budget cuts…and the fact that I am the leading man and what I say goes, and here they are!" Balthier exclaimed while pulling string. Then four rabbits each dressed up sort of like one of the characters other than Balthier fall down.

"That's odd usually mine falls first." Said Balthier

Then a fat guy falls out of nowhere.

"RABBITS! Why are we rabbits?" Penelo yelled.

"It was Fran's idea." Balthier says as Fran is gathering them and reciting names.

"How does she tell them apart when they're not in costume?"

"It's a rabbit thing. She's a rabbit too. She loves them. She sees them as her babies."

"They all look like furry white bunnies to me, except for that one with only one ear. He looks like a furry white bunny with one ear."

"This one is Penelo, this one is Basch, this one is me, Little Franny, and Bongo over there is Ashe!" Fran said happily while collecting the bunnies.

"We got the one-eared one on discount…" Balthier remarked, referring to the one-eared rabbit.

"Hey why does Mary Bitch-mas get one and I don't?" asked Vaan

"What did you just say Vaan?!" Yelled Ashe

"I said you're a bitch, Queen Look-at-me-I'm-so-whiny-and-stupid-and…" As Vaan is saying this he is interrupted. Ashe cracks a wooden 2 by 4 over Vaan's head.

"Where did you get that?!" Vaan shrieked.

"I got it off the _Strahl_!" Said Ashe.

"WTF!?" Vaan yelled.

"How do think we get it the air?"

"Mexicans!"

The Moogles walk out. "We're not working today. Not on Cinco de Kupo!" Nono said, wearing a sombrero.

"Then why is that comedian there?" Asked Vaan.

"I don't know what you're talking about you Dee Dee Dee!" Said Mexican Comedian X

"It's pronounced Vaan, Raul."

"Who are you calling a freaking Raul?"

"Luis, Antonio, or is it Miguel?"

"You are watching way too many soap operas!" Yelled Ashe.

"Hey that's my…I mean Fran's favorite soap!" Said Balthier with shifty eyes.

"How bout…Marco?"

"No, let's leave it at Carlos"

"Okay, see ya Manuel!"

A few minutes later…

"Hey Penelo can you open this jar?" Asked Vaan holding a jar full of bees which Penelo doesn't know about.

"Sure, okay." Said Penelo.

Vaan braced to laugh hysterically as Penelo opened the jar but no bees came out .

"_Huh_?!"

"What the heck? Dead bees?" Asked Penelo.

"What dead bees?" Asked Vaan.

"These bees!" Penelo says as she pours out the bees in the jar.

"What's with the bees Penelo, why are they dead?"

"YOU TELL ME!!!"

"Cool bees Penelo!"


	2. Chapter 2

Vaan & Penelo's Excellent Adventure

**This is my first chapter. Wight Mamba will return next chapter, when the gang goes to the past. Did any of you figure out who Mexican Comedian X was? Yes, we realize the whole flashback sequence is way wrong (if not semi-sacralicious), but we thought it was funny when we came up with it. And yes, I also realize I wrote sacralicious.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own FFXII, FFTA, or any of the things we parody (such as Passions)**

Fran was still talking to her rabbits. She was giving them all carrots. She hated carrots herself. She liked daikon radishes and parsnips. Never EVER carrots.

"See Vaan? What did I tell you? Those rabbits are her babies. She takes them for walks, she brushes their fur, she even handles carrots for them, and she hates carrots." Balthier said.

"God told me to groom the rabbits one day." Vaan said. Fran heard him and stifled a snicker.

Flashback…

Vaan is playing around with dolls. He doesn't know that Balthier and Fran are watching. Balthier gets a video camera, and Fran goes and gets on the intercom.

"Vaan, this is God." Fran said over the intercom.

"Really?"

"Yes. Do as I say, if you truly believe."

"I believe now!"

"Take your clothes off."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Are you really God?"

Silence.

"That's enough proof for me!" Vaan starts stripping. Fran returns and finds Vaan doing exactly as she said.

"I got it all." Balthier whispered.

"Want me to make him do more things?" Fran asked.

"Definitely."

And the flashback ends there.

"Balthier, it's two o' clock!" Fran yelled.

"Oh! I promised to… uh… tape Fran's soaps for her today! Have to make sure it tapes!" Balthier cried, running into his quarters.

"Look Fran! I'm pressing the blue button!" Vaan yelled happily.

"Vaan NO! That's Balthier's experimental time machine! We haven't worked the bugs out of it yet!" Fran cried. Things started getting weird. Colours were the opposite of what they were supposed to be for a few seconds. Then Vaan and Penelo found themselves falling.


	3. Chapter 3

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

"Hey Penelo, did you notice that we are 3000 feet in the air?" Vaan asked stupidly.

"What was your first clue F-tard!" Penelo said angrily.

"Beside the fact the ground is getting closer, nothing really." Vaan said.

"By the way Vaan do you come equipped with a parachute?" Penelo asked Vaan.

"Not usually, why?" Inquired Vaan.

"Oh no reason other than WE ARE ABOUT TO FREAKING DIE!!!" Screamed Penelo.

WHAMMMM!!!

"I think I'm alive" Said Vaan.

"That's a first!" Penelo replied angrily. "I didn't know you could think!"

"Good thing we landed on two random people." Said Vaan happily.

(Actually they landed on Marche and Ritz)

"Oh my god you killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"You Bastard!" Added Kyle

"Entirely wrong place, time, and existence" said Vaan

"God I must have died and gone to Hell…" Penelo muttered, depressed.

"I wonder where the rest are?" Asked Vaan

Meanwhile

"Okay stay calm. The prince couldn't have gotten too far." Said Generic guard number A.

"Hey look there he is!" Said Generic guard letter 1.

"Oh Fing crud!" Said Balthier.

"Hey Babus! We found the prince!" Shouted Generic Guard your name here.

"You did! Welcome back Prince Mewt…Wait a minute!" Said Babus.

"What is it Babus?" Asked Generic guard Pez dispenser.

"This is not his majesty the prince!" Babus Yelled.

"Of course I am! That other guy was my stand-in… while I was in… the Bahamas… for the last couple of years… with this really hot Viera chick." Balthier got shifty-eyed.

"That is a completely… Believable excuse, Welcome back your majesty!" Said Generic Guard Avenged Sevenfold

"HOW STUPID ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" Screamed Babus.

"Guards remove him until further notice!" Balthier ordered.

"Right away my liege." Said guard captain Slinky.

"My gods, do all you people have a stupid name?" Asked Balthier.

"Don't look at me." I said.

"Well Dingus letter 1 and idiot number A, I think its time for a few changes around here, but first things first… I need to tape Fran's soaps!"


	4. Chapter 4

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Fran had fallen into the ocean and ended up swimming for an hour until she managed to find a shore. She hoped she was still on Ivalice. Balthier's machine was really buggy. It sent two test Chocobos back in time, but it sent them to Kentucky, where they met a sad end due to somebody by the name of Col. Sanders.

The Viera was exhausted and lonesome. She hoped the others were okay, and she really hoped her bunnies were okay. She could care less about Vaan and Ashe, but she'd be upset if something happened to Basch, Balthier, or Penelo. And she'd be devastated if something bad happened to her rabbits.

"Splendid. Vaan really did it this time. When I get my hands on him, he's dead. Now I have to figure out where I am. Just superb." The Viera complained.

Vaan and Penelo had wandered into a large forest, just looking for somewhere to stay. It reminded them of the Salikawood, so maybe there were Moogles that would have shelter and food besides berries Vaan kept eating that were clearly poisonous. Vaan had used up all the antidotes.

"Vaan, don't eat the berries again. We're out of antidotes." Penelo informed her friend.

"Okay. I'll just walk into the force field continually!" Vaan said happily.

"Vaan, quit it. That looks like the Vieran wards in the Golmore Jungle."

"Hey, think there are any Viera here?"

"Yes. There is one looking right at you right now. She's pretty mad too."

A female Viera was standing right next to Vaan. She dissolved the ward and Vaan stopped. "And that's the last of them. My daughters believed they could stop me from leaving, but I am not going to waste any more of my life here!" The Viera said.

"So you aren't mad at Vaan?" Penelo asked.

"No. I like Humes. I'm going to leave the Wood and join a Clan. I've heard so much about the outside."

"Fran?" Vaan asked.

"My name is Lente. The Viera call me the Ward-Breaker, which is why I don't know how my daughters and granddaughter Sylva expected to keep me here using wards."

"You're Lente? Vaan, I need to talk to you for a second, privately." Penelo pulled Vaan aside. "Fran said that her great-grandmother was named Lente and she was called the Ward-Breaker. We must have gone back in time several hundreds of years. Balthier's machine must've worked."

"That's ridiculous! That's clearly Fran! She's just pretending to be some other Viera!"

"I don't know who this Fran is you keep talking about, but I am Lente. Stop calling me Fran or I'll bite your freaking head off!"

"Lent is a Catholic thing. C'mon Fran, you should know, considering you're Catholic." Vaan said.

"What is wrong with you?!" Lente roared.


	5. Chapter 5

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

**Days, weeks, have passed. A Month perhaps since I wrote, I don't** **know… Oh well I doesn't matter really. Here's chapter 5. Oh by the way the Moogle "Foobar" sounds like Meatwad off of Aqua Teen Hunger Force except when he is yelling stuff like "DIE BONGO DIE!".**

In Arcadia…

"Ouch!" Shouted Ashe "What did we land on?" she then asked.

"More importantly, who?" Said Basch.

"Venat Dammit!" Said the familiar person they landed on.

"OH MY GOD! WE KILLED VAYNE… wait, didn't we already do that?" Basch inquired.

"No, that was my understudy you killed!" Shouted Vayne angrily.

"Then who is _that_?" Asked Ashe.

"My second understudy… Kenny." Said Vayne

"OH MY GOD WE… " Basch and Ashe started

"Don't say it we already used that joke once in this story!" Exclaimed Wight Mamba

"Who the hell are you?" Ashe asked me

And I politely replied… "Screw you bitch, you're gonna die!" and she did... in a bloody mess which made Vayne scream like a girl and Basch go into a fetal position as I laughed in sadistic glee! AHHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Meanwhile in the wood…

"I can too fight to!" Yelled Vaan stupidly.

"Yes, we know but you didn't need to shout!!!" Shouted Penelo

"Jeez Penelo you don't need to…let's see shouted Penelo…shout Penelo!" said Vaan.

"There is no way we can take on this Moogle." said Jonas, a hunter the met along the way

"Jonas is right. I mean come on he took down an entire clan of level 99 ninjas equipped with double masamunes!" Exclaimed Lente

"With a ratchet…?" Penelo remarked.

"It's a Fubar." The Moogle said.

"Pfft I can do better then that…" Vaan stated as he pulled out a sword.

"Dear god. No, not now." Penelo muttered.

"What do mean?" Jonas and Lente asked.

"You don't want to see this…" Penelo said.

"BY THE POWER OF GAY-SKULL… I HAVE THE POWER… TO BE CREEPY!!!" Vann yelled as he is engulfed in a pink lightning bolt, then emerging as the gayest and creepiest super-hero ever… She-Man who weres a pink tutu and rides a rainbow stripped tiger.

"Let's ride, Bruce!" shouted She-Man.

"Meow, me-wow!" Bruce added.

They charge five feet before the crash into a tree.

"What the hell was that?" Jonas asked, distressed.

"That, my friend, is She-Man. The only cross dressing superhero who rides a gay rainbow tiger named Bruce, He does this nearly every time we have to fight, and it never helps. In fact, it has almost gotten us killed more times than I can count." Penelo complained.


	6. Chapter 6

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Balthier was having a great time pretending to be the prince. He had everything he wanted, and that included girls. There were about five Viera that were with him all the time.

"Miss Anna? Can you get me another beer?" Balthier asked one of the Viera.

"Yes, your highness."

"Miss Katie, get the guards, and then you and the rest will act out this script I wrote!" Balthier said, giving the Viera a script titled "Soap Opera X".

"Soap Opera X?"

"That's right. You can be Theresa."

"I mean no disrespect; I'm just wondering why can't she be Theresa? That's her name!" Katie asked, pointing at a third Viera.

"Because she gets to sit with me and watch and put up with me all the time. She gets to be Fran now. Fran was my pet Viera, but I don't know what happened to her. I hope she's okay."

"Viera are not pets, even though I still mean no disrespect."

Vaan and Penelo had found trouble though. The Moogle Foobar was insane. He spoke to a Viera doll, a stick of dynamite, a coconut, and a box. He said they were his clan. And he didn't like Viera. Lente told him she wasn't a Viera, she was a dreamhare. The Moogle was insane enough to believe her.

Another Viera had joined the group. Her name was Shara and she called Vaan "Marche" and Penelo "Ritz". Whoever Ritz was, this Viera clearly was in love with her. Penelo wanted rid of her because of that. The Viera kept making suggestive comments to Penelo.

"Why aren't you laughing, Ritz? Did you hit your head? Why don't you remember me? I know! I'll have to remind you tonight!" Shara said.

"You're one twisted little Viera." Lente remarked.

"Viera?! Where? DIE BONGO! DIE BONGO! KUPOPO! Boxy, Coco, Barbie! We have to find Bongo and kill her! Kupo, Mr. Blasty, you stay back and heal!" Foobar yelled.

"Foobar! You are under arrest, kupo!" Cried out a very familiar voice. Coming over the hill was a whole group. Vaan and Penelo instantly recognized the Moogle who had spoken.

"Montblanc? Is that you?" Vaan asked, going and hugging the Moogle.

"Have we met, kupo?"  
"Vaan, leave him alone!" Penelo yelled.

"That's right Marche. We don't want to get arrested along with this nut." Shara added.

Foobar was staring straight at one of the three Viera that was with Montblanc. He rushed at her and began hitting her with his weapon, screaming "DIE BONGO!!" repeatedly at the top of his lungs.

"Shara, that isn't Marche. I don't know who they are, but these two are not Marche and Ritz." Montblanc told the Viera.

"Oh well. She's prettier than Ritz, whoever she is."

Fran liked wherever she was. She liked sleeping naked on the beach. Balthier wouldn't allow her to wander around naked. He said it was inappropriate. Viera never saw anything wrong with it, certainly. They always wandered around half-naked anyway. Fran had washed her clothes in the water and was waiting for them to dry. And she had found two of her rabbits, Little Franny and the one-eared rabbit who was Ashe's stunt double. She hoped the other two were okay. She shared a parsnip with her pets before she went to sleep. She hoped nobody tried to make her move indoors in the middle of the night like last time she had slept outside, considering she always slept in the nude.


	7. Chapter 7

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

"Vaan, Vaan, VAAN WAKE THE HELL UP!" Penelo shouted.

"Ow, why does my head hurt?" Vaan said as he was waking up.

"Master Vaan, you suffered blunt force trauma to the head when you jumped on Montblanc and you then got smacked the head by Foobar." Said Lente.

_Wow, I can tell she's related to Fran! _Penelo thought.

"I also shot you with several arrows because I thought you were a cross-dressing goblin." Jonas interjected.

"No wonder I have a fletched-up butt." Vaan said.

"…Wow that made no sense at all!" exclaimed Penelo.

"Oh by the way I think Shara is dead now, kupo." Montblanc added.

Meanwhile in Arcadia…

"No, no, no you got the punch line all wrong you fool!" I said calmly and softly.

(Sobbing) "I am trying, but it makes no sense" Cried court jester Vayne.

"I h-have y-your soft serve i-ice cream from the P-P-Paramina Rift." Said a freezing Basch.

And I kindly responded, "It is not cold enough, go back and and don't return until you get it right!"

God, it's wonderful to self insert me into all my stories hahaha!

Meanwhile in the castle dungeon

"It's not fair, I did nothing wrong! Oh but I did! Who are you? I'm you, only I'm dressed like Kelly Clarkson! Nooooooo, you monster, she's the worst thing to happen to music since Michael Jackson became white!" Babus said while he was talking to himself.

Meanwhile in Staltonecropolis…

"Where the hell am I?" Ashe asked herself.

"You're in Staltonecropolis, where everyone stupid goes when they die!" Said a voice out of nowhere.

"Who the heck are you?" Inquired Ashe.

"I'm your host, the lost intellect of George W. Bush, my friends call me W!" Said G.W. Bush.

"NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!" Screamed Ashe.


	8. Chapter 8

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Fran was searching for Bunny Number 4. She had found another one of her rabbits when she woke up. She noted that once she found her friends she'd have to take her fluffy pets to the vet and get microchip trackers put in all of them (and Balthier) so this never happened again.

The Viera was a bit happier than she had been lately. Jungle to mess around in, all the coconuts and bananas a Viera could want, being able to wander around naked without being yelled at… it was paradise. Now if only she found her rabbits and Balthier she'd be the happiest bunny in the world.

Fran wanted to know where in the world she was, but that could wait until she found that last rabbit.

Balthier had made the Viera and the guards act out a whole week's worth of Soap Opera X in one day. Theresa was the only Viera not involved because Balthier was treating her like she was Fran, and she liked it.

"Prince Mewt, is this character supposed to be stupid or what?" Katie the Viera asked.

"Yes. Theresa is an idiot! Is that not correct, Fran?" Balthier asked.

"Yeah, whatever."

Shara was not dead, much to Penelo's infinite horror. It was bad enough she had to put up with stupid Vaan and a Moogle that seemed like he was high all the time, but a queer Viera who kept hitting on her? It was impossible!

It helped; however, that both Foobar and Lente hated Shara with a passion.

Lente was rather old-fashioned. It was no surprise that Jote was descended from her. She acted rather polite, unlike most of the Viera who lived in the Wood. Penelo liked her because she was kind of like Fran. Vaan still insisted that she was Fran pretending to be another Viera.

"Shara, that is very inappropriate. Penelo does not appreciate your actions, young Viera." Lente was saying. Foobar was just screaming "DIE BONGO!" and being held back by Montblanc and a female Bangaa.

"Lente, why don't you go preach to somebody who cares?" Shara replied, hugging Penelo to her. Penelo couldn't breathe.

"MISS SHARA! I _INSIST_ THAT YOU _DESIST_!" Lente screeched. Shara let go of Penelo, but she decided to flip Lente off. "Where did you learn that kind of gesture? I have been told that means something very bad, and you are not to do that!"

"You are not my mother, Miss Lente!" Shara yelled.

"You are behaving rather like one of my daughters would whenever they didn't get what they desired when they were kits. I had six daughters and two sons. I know how to handle kits."

"I am not a kit! Just because you're probably about three hundred years old doesn't mean I'm a kit, or that I have to listen to you!"

"Monty? Cokie? You can let him go. He'll deal with this situation better than I ever could."

Foobar launched himself at Shara, who grabbed Vaan and pushed him in front of her as a shield. Vaan ended up knocked out with the Moogle's weapon lodged in his head.


	9. Chapter 9

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

**I don't own Castlevania or any affiliation to the game; I just had chosen to use one of the characters to add to this stories outrageous story line**

"So, that is the amulet of twilight I've been seeking." Said the mysterious white haired man. "Well that took forever, next time I see Hammer he is dead!" He said as he double jumped then glided to the middle a palace court room. "Wait this isn't how Dracula's castle is supposed to look! Damn you Hammer, selling me no good maps that I can't read when they're in my inventory!" He exclaimed as he landed in what happened to be a make-shift Soap opera.

"Hey! You landed on and killed the person playing Alistair… Crane (the … is an inside joke), what exactly are you doing here mysterious white haired male Viera?!" Balthier inquired angrily.

"First of all I'm not a Viera, second of all why does everybody call me one, and third of all my name is Soma Cruz (Or Simon Cruz, I think my version of the game is an Americanized Japanese version)!" Soma shouted.

"Whatever, What are you doing in my palace Mr. Soma the male Viera?" Asked Balthier

"Stop calling me a Viera because I'm not… Wait what do you mean your palace?!" Soma asked distressed.

"Yes, my palace!" Yelled Balthier.

"What, you mean this isn't the game series Castlevania and this is not Dracula's castle? Soma inquired.

"I think your lost, so lost you aren't in your own game series, oh and by the way? Guards seize that insolent male viera!" Balthier yelled angrily.

"Time for this Reincarnation of Dracula to fly." Said Soma as he vaporized Guard Jen Eric and guard Expendable Doofus.

"Vaan don't you eat those berries!" Penelo yelled.

"Aww man, you let Foobar eat them!" Complained Vaan as he pointed at Foobar.

Wump! As Foobar falls over and adds a muffled "Kupo".

"Hey guys check this out! Some odd looking person is getting ambushed by five freewaymen." Said Jonas.

"What in Adrammalech's Name is a freewayman?" Cokie asked.

"See, when the first freeway was made some highwaymen were like "Hey let's be the first freeway men", soon after 5 of the original 8 got killed in a traffic accident the 3 remaining decided to kill the competition by telling them of the rewards of being freewaymen, and the trend soon caught on." Explained Jonas.

"Wow, what an unintelligent concept. Sounds just like something Vaan would do." Said Penelo.

"I'm bored" I said quite contently "If killing Basch wasn't enough, now I might just have to kill my jester!"

"My lord, if I may grovel to ask to make a suggestion?" Said Vayne my royal jester.

"You may but it better be a good idea or you're joining the pointless people section of the graveyard." I said happily.

"Why not bring back those you killed and then kill them again for the sheer enjoyment?" Inquired the jester.

"Fool that is stupid, wait I have a great idea maybe I should resurrect those I killed and for the sheer amusement slay them again!" I said with inspiration "But first…"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Jester Vayne screamed said as I disemboweled him!


	10. Chapter 10

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure.

Penelo and the girls were relaxing at a hot spring they had found. It had been quite a day. All of the Viera women had insisted that the white-haired man was a male Viera and had been picking at him. Lente had suggested the man wear bunny ears, which the man just vapourized.

"Penelo, can I wash your back? I'll let you pet my ears." Shara asked. She did look really cute with her hair down and everything, but Penelo was not interested in the Viera at all. And the fact that the Viera got to see Penelo without her clothes on did nothing to help the matter. Lente had already swatted Shara once for being indecent.

"No. And I'm not interested in touching your ears or any other part of you either." Penelo said, edging away from the Viera woman.

"Shara, I'm warning you…" Lente began.

"Lente, save it. You sound just like my mother. She kicked me out of the village when she found out I had been sleeping with this other Viera girl, who left me when she found out I had been banished!" Shara yelled.

"It's not that you're lesbian, it's how you act around Penelo. Personally, I could care less. Most Viera are bisexual anyhow."

Shara was about to speak, when suddenly she noticed Foobar happily floating on his back next to her.

"Hi Bongo! We're gonna play a kupo little game I like to call 'Rock, paper, dynamite'! KUPO!" The Moogle said.

"I really don't want to play with you." Shara said.

"THEN DIE BONGO!" Foobar screamed, hitting Shara repeatedly with his Fubar before latching onto her face.

Lente's ears shot straight up and she got out of the water. Penelo averted her eyes. Having to look at one naked Viera was enough. Lente was gorgeous, but Penelo was not like Shara, who pried the Moogle off just in time to see Lente leave and began drooling over the other Viera. Foobar knocks her out with the Fubar and then decides to float face down, still yelling "DIE BONGO!"

"Cokie, can you get Shara out of the spring before she drowns? I don't like her, but I don't want her dead." Penelo asked. The Bangaa grabbed the Viera and took her out of the spring.

"That Shara has always been like that. Ritz actually accepted that behaviour though. She and Shara were lovers." A young Viera white mage named Marilyn said.

"Why are your ears and hair black? Do you dye your hair?" Penelo asked.

"I take it you've never seen a Viera like me before. The regular Viera call us 'Dire Vieras', but in truth we're no different from them besides being born with black hair. It's really rare, and we're usually shunned by the white haired Viera."

"Why did Lente get out?" A Viera assassin named Sarah asked. As if on cue, the men ran by, screaming, a very angry Lente hot on their tails.

"I SMELLED YOU ALL! YOU WERE PEEKING! ESPECIALLY YOU, MISTER VAAN!"

"JONAS WAS FORCING ME!" Vaan cried. Lente grabbed a vine and lassoed him. "Wow, Fran. I know why Balthier likes you now."

"Are you still insisting I'm this 'Fran', whoever she is?"

"Lente doesn't seem to realize that she isn't wearing anything." Marilyn remarked.

"No. Lente sees it as her natural body and nothing else. Vaan is the only one who sees it as nothing but a really hot naked Viera." Penelo said.

"If I were Shara, I'd be attracted to her." Sarah added.

"Oooookay Sarah. You didn't need to share that."


	11. Chapter 11

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Minutes later…

"Vaan, I'm still not going to forget that you were peeking!" Penelo said.

"I all ready told you Penelo, Jonas forced me!" shouted Vaan.

"Oh, I'm sure he did! Just like the time Balthier told you that you should jump off the cliff to see how deep it was!" Penelo yelled back at Vaan.

"Okay, first of all it was Fran's idea in the first place; second of all it was because Balthier said there was a mountain of chocolate down there!" answered Vaan.

"Why are you so mad at Vaan for admiring your natural beauty?" Lente asked as she approached the two almost completely naked.

"Lente please cover your self!" Penelo said as she tried averting her eyes but continued to glimpse back at Lente as Vaan sat there mouth agape.

"Wow…" Vaan said stupefied by the sight of Lente's near naked body.

"Is there something wrong with him?" Lente asked Penelo.

"No, just please cover yourself" Penelo said embarrassed at her inability to avert her eyes because of Lente's beautiful body. She wished she was that pretty.

"Wait where did my clothes go?" said Penelo said as she realized she was completely naked.

"Oh, hello Penelo and Lente mind if I join the fun?" Shara said as she was disrobing.

Penelo ran back into the hot springs to at least cover her self but realized that there were small foot prints going in the opposite direction, so there was only one answer, it was Foobar.

"I knew who took my clothes." Penelo said red faced at her own nakedness and the fact that she found both Lente and unfortunately Shara very attractive without clothes on.

"No don't do that my love!" Shara said—now completely naked—as she grabbed Penelo's chest.

"Eep!" yelped Penelo as she knocked out Shara and ran behind the bushes.

"Won't she ever give up?" Penelo murmured with a red face feeling completely violated. "Now where is that Moogle?"

"What happened?" Vaan wondered as he regained consciousness

"You fainted." Lente said, completely dressed

"Where's Penelo?" asked Vaan.

"Going after Foobar." Lente answered.

Meanwhile…

"Where is he?" Penelo said to herself

Just then she saw Foobar wearing her clothes as well as putting them on his viera doll.

"There they are!" Penelo exclaimed

"And there you are my love!" Said Shara as she tackled Penelo. "You get away this time, my love" Shara added with a hint of desire in her voice as she pinned down Penelo.

"Stop, get off me Shara!" Penelo said as she struggled to get free. "I don't love you…" Penelo said right as Shara kissed her.

"No my dear. You will love me after this." she said to a stunned Penelo who she then kissed again.

Wham!

Penelo finally got an unconscious Shara off her and found out that Foobar was hitting the knocked out viera repeatedly screeching "DIE BONGO!" once again.

"Saved by the Foobar." Penelo said as she recovered her clothes and quickly dressing herself.


	12. Chapter 12

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Fran had figured out she was in a place called Cuba. She had run into a group of Humes who thought she was an animal and tried to shoot her. She never did find her other rabbit, and she wanted to avoid the men at all costs. There was something seriously wrong with these people. Usually, Hume men would want to sleep with her or something, not kill her. She was scared. Where were her friends? How had her paradise turned into a living hell so fast?

Balthier realized something: Theresa the Viera was incredibly stupid. She would do whatever he said, but she often messed up quite a bit. She constantly forgot that she was his partner for the time being.

Everybody but the Nu-Mou Babus was still convinced Balthier was Prince Mewt, even Judge Cid and the queen, despite the fact that Balthier was nothing like the prince. Why was everybody so stupid? Of course, that Theresa was the worst. Balthier wished he had chosen Anna or one of the other Viera as his new friend. Theresa would've worked better as an actress. Balthier missed the real show, but his guards did a good job acting it out.

Shara was in very big trouble when Penelo dragged her back. The teenager immediately went to Lente and told what Shara had done.

"Miss Shara! I have half a mind to feed you to the panthers! Penelo has made it clear she has no interest in you!" Lente roared.

"I already said I'm not gonna listen to you, Lente. Stop treating me like one of your daughters!" Shara screeched.

"I just know how to deal with kits. I did have eight after all. Stop acting so childish and leave Penelo alone." Lente said calmly.

"I am not a kit! I'm almost one hundred years old! I could have a bunch of kits myself if I was interested in men."

"I cannot have anymore kits. I'm four hundred and seventy-two. I still know how to deal with brats!"

"Wheeee!" Vaan yelled, chasing a Moogle with a sword.

"VAAN! KNOCK THAT OFF RIGHT NOW!" Penelo yelled.

"I don't recognize that Moogle." Lente said.

"I do! He's from Clan Dip! That means trouble! Hey Penelo! Ready for your first Clan Battle?" Shara asked.

"What are you blathering about?" Penelo wondered.

"Clan Battles. That Moogle is from Clan Dip. We're gonna have to fight them off. I've fought these idiots before with Ritz and Marche. Don't worry. We can't die. The judges make sure of it." Shara explained.

"I do not like the sounds of this." Lente stated.

A judge appeared. Off in the distance where two Vieras and two Humes. The Moogle went and joined them.

"This doesn't look kupo. I wonder what today's rules are?" Montblanc asked.

"Why did nobody tell us about this?" Vaan asked. "Darn it Fran! You should've warned us!" Vaan shook his fist in Lente's face. The Viera grabbed his arm and growled.

"I am not Fran. My name is Lente. If you call me Fran again, I'll get very angry." The Viera hissed.

"Jote?"

"Today's rules are as follows…" The judge began. "No colour magic."

"I'm out." Said a Viera Red Mage named Eldena.

"Me too." Montblanc added.

"As am I." Marilyn.

"Damage to Bangaa." The judge continued.

"Yes!" Cokie cheered.

"And no missile."

"That's bad." Lente said. "I am an archer. Penelo? You and Vaan should fight. I'll just stay here. Shara is right. You cannot die in this kind of battle. Do not be afraid. I'm sure you can win. I will fight by your side some other day."

"Okay. Vaan, Cokie, Shara? Come with me…" Penelo began.

"You don't need them, kupo! Just leave this to Clan Foobar! Barbie? Coco? Boxy? Mr. Blasty? To battle, kupo! Time to make Bongo DIE!" Foobar yelled, charging at Clan Dip by himself.


	13. Chapter 13

Vaan and Penelo's excellent adventure

As we left off, our ragtag clan of idiots was engaged in a clan battle with Clan Dip and here it is…

"BY THE POWER OF GAY-SKULL I HAVE THE POWER TO BE CREEPY!!!" shouted Vaan as he rode Bruce into battle, which is until Vaan rode Bruce of a cliff possibly killing them both.

"Dear god, Vaan is gone! Wait, is that a bad thing?" Screamed Penelo as she stabbed the Clan Dip soldier.

"Not my day…" Said the bleeding soldier.

"Don't worry I gots a potion 'ere" Responded the Clan Dip white mage (if I want a British Viera, I get a British Viera!!!) who Foobar instantly jumped at upon spotting her.

"DIE BONGO, DIE BONGO, DIE BONGO!!!" Screamed Foobar as he smashed the Viera's skull in and after that took off her ear as a trophy.

"Oh! I found an easy button!" Said Jonas happily as he put his sword away and pressed it killing the Moogle thief in the process.

"How was that even possible?" Asked the soldier who Penelo stabbed yet again "Still not my day…"

Then Cokie punched out the Hume archer who kept trying to run away but to no avail.

"Ha-ha!" Said Hiro the Japanese Hume time mage in a business suit as he cast stop on the Viera archer who Foobar immediately started to kill.

The Bangaa monk started to go towards Penelo till out of nowhere a rainbow flash came and blew the Bangaa to pieces.

"HAHAHA She-man defeats another foe" Boasted Vaan in an infeminate voice.

"Vaan, how did you survive that fall!?" Asked Penelo.

"Funny thing is…I didn't…" Vaan said.

"Excuse me? We all saw you fall" Added Jonas pressing the easy button to destroy the knocked out Viera white mage.

"Vaan, Damage to Bangaa is on! You're gonna get carded and we'll all suffer!" Shara yelled angrily.

"Instant kills don't count as damage." The judge replied.

"The question remains: how are you still alive, Vaan?" Penelo repeated.

"As I already told you, I did die!" Shouted Vaan "You see, I went to this place called Staltonecropolis and my host there was the smart side of Hilary Clinton. Oh, and Ashe was there too but she went insane and knocked me in the head and when I woke up I was back where I landed and I had to summon Bruce again, because when he dies he goes back to the Land of the Summons, which I think is called Virginia!"

"Excellent. Next time you go to Stalto-whatever, stay there!!" Penelo screamed.

"Don't be mean to Master, Penelo. Or I'll have to do something unpleasant." Bruce said.

"SHUT UP BRUCE!" Penelo yelled, stabbing the rainbow tiger with a rapier. Bruce disappeared again.


	14. Chapter 14

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Fran was running for her life. Humes were determined to kill her and possibly eat her for some reason. She had to find a way to get herself and her bunnies off of the island. And it didn't help that she didn't have any daikon or parsnips left to eat. Maybe she'd find food along with a safe haven!

Balthier would do all kinds of things when he got bored of the guards and Viera reenacting episodes of Soap Opera X. Sometimes he'd do strange things to Theresa, like dress her up in weird outfits, or watch her mess with the guards the way all five of the Viera who lived with him always did, even though it was going to be six eventually. Katie had run off for a few days and now she said she was carrying a little Viera. Balthier had forbidden any of the other Viera to go anywhere and find anybody. They were needed to act out the show!

Sleeping arrangements were not an easy subject for Vaan and Penelo. There weren't enough tents. Naturally, Shara offered to share with Penelo, but Lente whapped her across the head. Jonas and Montblanc were glad to share with Vaan, and he didn't mind that.

"Penelo, ever since Ritz disappeared, I've been so lonely. And it gets so cold…" Shara began once again.

"…And you make me so ticked. I'm sleeping with Lente." Penelo regretted the wording of that last sentence the instant it was out of her mouth. "OH MY GODS! THAT DID NOT COME OUT RIGHT AT ALL! LENTE, I'M SO SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT THE WAY IT SOUNDED!!"

"I know what you meant. You meant you'd share a tent with me." Lente stated.

"That is not what she meant! I can tell! I knew there was something between you two! That does it! Penelo, you are not going to take advantage of Lente! I'm sharing with you two!" Shara growled.

"Why don't you go looking for your lover? If I were you, I'd be frantically searching for Miss Ritz."

"Ritz can screw herself. I love Penelo now."

"Apparently the only one screwing Ritz…" Jonas began. Lente glared at him before he could finish. She wasn't thrilled with him either. It was obvious where Jote got her attitude.

"Miss Shara, it is fine if you share with Penelo as long as I am here. Penelo, do not fret. She will not get away with anything with me around." Lente said.

"Yay! I was hoping Lente wouldn't want to join us in our tent! Marilyn! Sarah! Let's talk about boys!" Eldena exclaimed delightedly as she, Marilyn, and Sarah retreated to a tent. Moments later, giggling could be heard.

"Adolescents…" Lente murmured.

"I wish I could've joined them, but I don't know what kind of things Viera teenagers talk about. Not even what kind of boys they're talking about." Penelo said.

"Eldena told me she thinks Jonas is hot." Vaan told Penelo.

"If you guys don't mind, I think the rest of us can figure out arrangements on our own." Cokie said, seeming a bit miffed for some reason. She and the other clan members retreated into tents. Shara grabbed Penelo and tried to drag her into a tent. Lente went along with them.

Penelo was not thrilled to have two Viera in the tent with her. Lente always slept in the nude, and Shara was pretending that she always had too. Lente was so beautiful, but Penelo did not want to have to spend all night with two naked Viera, one of which was likely to attempt to do something to her at least once during the night. And remembering that Lente was almost five hundred years old did nothing to help matters.

"Now you two do whatever you do when I'm not around. I'm gonna… sleep." Shara said.

"I've told you, you disgusting lesbian, there is nothing between us!" Lente roared. She was going to sleep in between Shara and Penelo to prevent the other Viera from having any physical contact with the Hume girl.

"Lente, if you were any other Viera and you weren't so old, I'd be all over you. Hmmm… maybe I should join Eldena and the other two adolescent Viera. I wonder if any of them are bi-curious."

"Shara, shut up." Penelo snapped, throwing a pillow at the young Viera. Lente was very upset. None of them were going to get to sleep if this was how it was going to be.

"Penelo, Shara, be quiet and go to sleep."

"I can't sleep without my goodnight kiss from my love!" Shara complained. Lente kicked her in the stomach.

"Either you shut up or I'll knock you out."

"But I'm not tired! Penelo doesn't look tired either! I can be very quiet when I want to be. Ritz and I always shared a tent with Marche, and we never woke him up with our activities, and he's a light sleep… Ow! Stop kicking me! Your claws are like daggers!"

"You two quit it!" Penelo yelled.

"If you got in between us so Lente couldn't… Hey! No biting! You're such a meanie, Lente!"


	15. Chapter 15

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Somewhere in Ivalice…

"Where am I?" Wondered Vayne the jester.

"Some where in Ivalice read the last sentence why don'tcha!!!" I told Vayne the jester quietly.

Boom!!!

"What was that?" Inquired the fool.

"Oh this, its teriyaki chicken and…" I said before I was interrupted by my court jester.

"I don't mean what you're eating; I mean the thing about to eat me!" Screamed Vayne.

"Not much. It's just a Sand Beast."

"What? Those don't exist at all!"

"They don't... in the original"

"What do you mean the original!?"

"Yeah see I'm playing the directors cut (Doesn't exist really) where there is a load of stuff extra including… male Viera!"

"Wait, what?"

"Ohhh… he shouldn't have stopped to talk… time to revive Ashe and to torture her."

Meanwhile in the Aisen field…

"Hey, what's that?" Asked Vaan as he saw something in the distance.

"Let me see." Said Jonas as he was climbing a tree to check things out.

What he saw was one guy with white hair in an exotic-looking coat standing out in the open surrounded by some thugs and as one of the thugs jumped at the strange man and in a flash of light was disintegrated and afterwards the strange man drew a blade and spun around hacking the rest in half.

"Whoa. That was interesting." Jonas said as he was getting off the tree.

"Where's Vaan?" Asked Penelo

As she said that the hear him shouting "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

"What the heck is your problem!?" Shouted the white-haired man.

"I dunno Mr. Snow Hair!" Vaan replied stupidly while eating carcinogenic roots.

"My name is Soma Cruz" Soma answered.

"Oh… Are you related to Tom Cruise?" Vaan inquired.

"No, are you related to a bucket of cream cheese?" Soma retorted.

"Let me think about that… That is a big possibility on account of my smarts cuz I be smartz!" Vaan said in response.

The silence is accompanied by wind and a tumble weed rolling by.

"HEY GET THE HELL OFF OF MY ARM!!!" Soma yelled at Eldena as the Red Mage had appeared out of nowhere and latched herself to the man's arm, nuzzling him at the same time.

"No. you're so hot, Mr. Viera" Said Eldena.

"What are you a giant humanoid/rabbit parasite?" Shouted Soma as he frantically was waving his arm to get her off.

"I'm a Viera, and you are too!"

"How do you figure that?"

"You've got snow white hair like me; therefore you are a Viera, _ipso facto_"

"Uh-huh…" Soma replied as he lit a torch and started burning Eldena's hat.

"Oh look would you look at that, my hats on fire… MY HAIR'S ON FIRE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"That's one way to get rid of a parasite… and what the hell are you putting on my head?"

As Soma turned around he saw three of the other Viera. Lente was trying to put a bunny-ear headband on him.

"Oh great… three more parasites…"


	16. Chapter 16

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Shara was not with the other four Viera, who were still picking at the white-haired man. No, she was still fixated on Penelo. Vaan had rejoined them after the Viera began harassing Soma.

"Our Clan still needs a name." Montblanc mentioned. Shara was trying to get close enough to Penelo, but Jonas and Cokie were watching her.

"You so much as make a move on her, and we'll have Hiro the Time Mage cast Stop on you." Cokie told the Viera. Shara growled at her almost inaudibly. Only a Viera could've heard it. She knew if Cokie had heard her growling, she would've been in trouble. That Bangaa was powerful, and she had a very short temper.

"What is the problem with those four? And what would Lente want with a man? She's really old, and she's as barren as the Westersands." Penelo wondered. Eldena was rolling around, trying to put the fire out still.

"What would any Viera want with a man if she isn't interested in getting pregnant? It isn't autumn. They're just being stupid." Shara added.

"Speaking of somebody being stupid, _Shara_, I went out last night to find some water because I wanted a drink, and I swear I saw glowing green eyes staring at me the whole time. And they looked a lot like VIERA eyes. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"Um… no. Marilyn has green eyes too. Maybe you should ask her."

"I don't think it was Marilyn. If she was still awake, she, Sarah, and Eldena would probably still be talking about cute boys!"

Vaan spotted a berry bush and went to eat the berries yet again.

"We need a name. Have any ideas?" Monty asked Penelo, who noticed Vaan.

"How about Clan…" Shara began.

"Vaan, don't even think about eating those BERRIES!" Penelo screamed.

"Clan Berries? I like that." Vaan said, eating a handful of the fruit.

"Kicks the crud out of anything stupid Shara would've come up with." Jonas remarked. Shara glared at him, but didn't make a move to do anything. She knew better than to attack her Clan Mates, even if they made her really mad.

"You don't even know what I was going to say." Shara whined.

"Something disturbing I'm sure."

"How many times do you have to eat those berries before you get the idea that they're poisonous? Lucky we have a white mage, and some antidotes, or you'd really be in trouble!" Penelo was telling Vaan.

Soma had knocked Sarah out, tied Marilyn to a tree, and Eldena was still rolling around. Lente was still staring at the ashes that used to be a bunny-ear headband. The man left the four Viera and approached the rest. He looked at Shara suspiciously.

"Don't even think about it, Rabbit." Soma threatened.

"I'm not interested in men. I love Penelo." The Viera assured him.


	17. Chapter 17

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

In the royal palace…

"Judgemaster Cid you wish to see the prince?" Said Vassal Iam Legend.

"Yes I have I need to know is this stone is _Nethicite_ because it is not _Nethicite_ my search for _Nethicite_ will be all in vain! _Nethicite!_" Said Judgemaster Cid.

"Uh…what?"

"_Nethicite!!_"

"And that would be…"

"_Nethicite: Noun: Magic stones that have the ability to absorb magic."_

"Very informative sir."

"Now than I must be off, _Nethicite!_"

In the forest of Ueywn…

"I'm telling you we are living in an autocracy."

"There you go again Dennis, bringing classes into it."

"Nee."

"Brave Sir Robin ran away."

In the Salika wood

"Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away, away!" Sang Vaan.

"STOP IT VAAN!!" Screamed Clan Berries and Soma.

"I swear you need to get a brain or singing lessons!!" screamed Soma.

"My delicate lesbian bunny ears are bleeding." whined Shara.

"ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!" Screamed Penelo.

"What? Kupo, what did you say?" Asked Foobar.

BAAM

"We are Clan Marble and we have come to…" Said a black mage.

"Well?" Wondered Clan Berries and Soma.

"Uh…I didn't think we would actually ambush you guys." Said the Viera Fencer.

"And you won't make it any farther!" said Soma impaling three members of Clan Marble on a pike.

"Let Us DIE!" Said the impaled members of Clan Marble.

"My duty as a judge is to enforce the law and keep people from dying so…sorry!" Said the judge.

"She-Man away!" Cried Vaan as he fell into a ditch.

"Not again…!" Exclaimed Penelo.

"Ow I twisted my ankle stupid high heels." Bruce complained.

Several minutes, stop spells, impalements, and asterisks later…

"Yay, we won!" She-Man exclaimed.

"At what cost?" Asked Montblanc.

(Cricket chirps)

"Oh, right, kupo." Stated Montblanc.


	18. Chapter 18

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

Vaan and Penelo's Excellent Adventure

"So you're a vampire?" Penelo asked Soma.

"No. I'm the reincarnation of a vampire. I bought this map from some guy I know, who I'll beat the hell out of next time I see him, and ended up here."

Shara was bored. She was not making any progress in netting Penelo, and she didn't know what to try next.

"Look Penelo! Rock candy!" Vaan yelled. Everyone looked and there, in plain sight, was a shining blue crystal.

"Vaan, that's a magic Save Crystal, not rock candy." Penelo explained. Vaan was still convinced it was candy and jumped on top of it. He started chewing on it.

"That can't be safe." Lente said as the crystal fell over, killing Vaan once again.

"How many times must that fool die?" Jonas asked. Cokie and Soma lifted the crystal back up and Marilyn cast Life on Vaan.

"You guys are lucky you have me." Marilyn said.

"Whatever. You're still a Dire Viera." Sarah hissed. Then she noticed a Moogle was sitting in Jonas' backpack.

"What is Foobar doing?" Eldena asked.

"I wondered why my pack was so heavy all of a sudden!" Jonas yelled, trying to hit the Moogle. Foobar jumped off of Jonas and onto Shara, latching onto her face. Everybody aimed their weapons at the Moogle… and coincidentally, the Viera's face, except for Vaan. Vaan was poking at a rock, except it wasn't a rock, it was a sleeping adamantoise. And then a big mosquito flew into his face.

"Get this little idiot off of me!" Shara screeched.

"Just hold still and I'll get him off!" Eldena cried, sparking. She cast Thunder and shocked the Viera and Moogle. Foobar fell off, his fur sticking up everywhere. Shara got out a brush and started fixing her hair.

"Nice work Eldena. If you ever do that again, I swear I'm gonna glue this Moogle to your back." Shara growled pointing at Foobar, who was knocked out.

"Kupo! You asked her to get him off of you, and she did what you asked!" Montblanc told Shara.

"Sure, stick up for your Red Mage because she likes men! You just have a problem with the fact that I like girls, just like Lente! You always have! Just because I liked Ritz and I like Penelo, you have to be so mean! Why is every member of this clan besides me such a homophobe?"


End file.
